Just a quick recap. I’m Gordon O’Donnell, an astrophysicist from another dimension and me and a few of my class mates have invented this universe. Our teacher has sent the three of us here to study it for our astrophysics degree. I’m on a ship called Rudolph, my navcom is a SANTA(Sub Atomic Neuroleptic Transparent Android) who prefers to be called Nick and he is taking me soon to meet Viv. Hmm, the story continues….
Well after a good sleep in my cabin in the control room I wake to a knock on the door.
“Come in” I say while trying to orientate myself.
It’s Nick and he’s holding an envelope. “Hungry Gordon?” Nick inquires.
“Yes Nick. I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck” I state thinking how ghastly that would actually be but it is an old Meupian saying.
“The auto cook machine is in the corner. Tell it what you want and it will be brought to your cabin” says Nick. Now that’s my kind of service.
“What’s in the envelope?” I ask
“It’s a LETTER from Professor Schnitzel about your mission” relates Nick “I suggest you have something to eat then have a good read and then I will take you to meet Viv.”
A letter, I muse how quaint. I tell the auto cook I want black coffee, tomato juice, scrambled eggs and toast. I stare at the letter, hmm, yes TD never actually said what I was supposed to do on this mission. A knock on the door and the auto cook droid enters with my tray.
“Thank you” I say not really knowing what to say.
“You are welcome your highness” replies the droid.
“It’s Gordon, please, no formalities” I request.
“Auto Cook reprogramming, yes Gordon”
Hate formalities, my parents gave me a name and that is what I want to be called.
The aroma of the coffee is amazing and the food delightful. Note to self, this droid can cook.
Refreshed I open the letter but to my surprise it is blank. “Nick” I cry “This is a blank page”.
Moments later Nick appears at the door. “Gordon, what wrong?” he gasps, shock and horror on his face.
“This letter, it’s blank” I bemoan.
Nick releases a hearty laugh “For a minute there I thought this was something serious. This is a LETTER Gordon” Nick states “An acronym for Line Embedded Telepathic Text EditoR”
Space and acronyms, I should have know.
“See that tag on the top left hand corner and the one on the bottom right hand corner. Place your thumb and finger on those tags and the letter comes alive” laughs Nick.
Easy when you know how. Nick walks off down the passageway and half way converts to wheel mode, spooky when they do that but it saves power.
I put my fingers on the page as Nick has said. Suddenly text starts appearing on the page just like magic. Wow, isn’t fiction complex some times.
“Hello Gordon TeeDee here. Hey do you like my new version of my initials? Makes me sound young and groovy.”
Why is TeeDee(Groan) writing in italics I wonder.
“It’s so the viewer at home know it’s me talking”
How did you know what I was thinking?
“This is a telepathic document. This means only you and I will ever know what has been said. The mission detail must never be known in your new universe otherwise it will cause immense trouble. The page is verifying both your fingerprints and your retina. This ensures that it is me and you that are talking. ”
Bloody hell, what have I got myself into.
“Let me tell you. You are currently on course for a galaxy the locals refer to as the Milky Way. Your base planet is called The Earth but before you can settle on Earth you must travel the galaxy and establish the following three things. Find the Goldilocks planets and teach them Meupian which in your universe will be referred to as English, create a monetary system so that you own all the money in the galaxy but most important teach them how to play cricket”
My head is spinning. This was nothing like I imagined. All this information is overpowering.
“Yes, I know but this is an important part of your studies, setting the groundwork. Now to help you I have provided a transponder, it’s on the desk”
I look over to the desk at this object which says Panasonic TV Remote Control. WTZ? ( What the zark?)
“Yes I know, we had to cut them into the deal otherwise they were going to complain to the government. When you find a suitable planet, locate the most advanced primate tribe. Active your force shield so you won’t be killed and eaten and state “Take me to your leader”. The shield will ensure the natives comply. Point the transponder into the eye of the head primate and press the play button, get that play. This gives the head primate all the knowledge needed to achieve your goal. Anyway, off you go as we are approaching the word limit and we haven’t introduced Viv yet. Stay in touch”
Another knock at the door. I put the letter down and all of the text just vanishes, amazing, this is complex fiction for sure. It’s Nick “Gordon this is Viv” states Nick.
Wow, cowabunger, yea har, dribble, dribble, this is a female droid with the best set of, um, er, you know, um, wow, I’m blushing, my face is red and all of a sudden I’m feeling really hot and flushed, I can’t take my eyes off them. [Hung here, right oh Gordon, get on with it, this part is about to end]
“Nice to meet you Viv” I bumble “Now let me guess, Viv stands for Vital Ingredient Vitamised or Virtual Item Verified?” I state in an attempt to recover.
“No actually” says Viv “It’s short for Vivienne. I have been modelled on an Earth female and I am your SNAP Coordinator” replies Viv.
“Snap?” I ask somewhat deflated.
“Yes, Space Normalisation Adaptation Process. I’m here to show you the ship, take you to the bio and teach you how to cope on Earth”
You know, sometimes true stories are really hard to tell and this is a true story, well sort of.